January 30th, 2011 was the scariest day in my life. The pain I experienced, and the overwhelming emotions I faced as I was rushed into surgery to learn the fate of not only myself, but my unborn child. When I was prepped for my emergency c section, I knew that the nurses and doctor hadn't been able to find a heartbeat on Liam, they did say they thought they saw a flutter, but we didn't know if he was still alive . I was still awake, and saw the panic on the faces of the operating staff. I was being yelled at through the process, and I was yelling in return through the fear and pain I was experiencing. I was terrified of never saying goodbye to my family, and never getting to know the precious soul I carried for the last seven and a half months. I was still conscious when they started the surgery. The anesthetist was just a room away, but every minute literally counted and as they were cutting my belly open, I was finally given anesthesia and put under. Just two hours after I started experiencing pain, at 11:48 am, Liam David Ward was born weighing 4lbs and 2oz. He was blue, had no heartbeat and was not breathing.
When I was "brought back to", Dean was holding my hand, looking over me and smiling. The look on his face was worry and fear, but he was smiling. I wasn't sure if it was because I was ok, or if he was nervous about telling me the devastating news I was dreading. He immediately told me that we had a beautiful little boy, and he had a bunch of really good doctors taking care of him, and that I would get to see him in a few minutes. Initially, I thought that was it. That everything was fine, and that despite the pain and scare he gave us, that he was healthy and would be ok. Minutes later, Dean's composure completely changed. He had a worried but steady tone as he explained everything that had just taken place with myself and our new baby. I think I only clung to the fact that they had Liam stabilized and didn't realize that he was still in a very vulnerable stage. It never fully sank in how close Liam came to not being here, until his pediatrician came in and spoke with me.
The look on that man's face said it all. There was no relief. There were no smiles. Just complete stress and worry. He explained exactly what it took just get Liam to take his first breath and that it was the longest 10 minutes of his life. I knew Liam would be airlifted to Johnson City, NICU and I couldn't argue, because he was in a critical state, and needed the best doctors to help him. Minutes later, my family came in to hug me, and just as fast as they entered, they left one by one leaving Dean to hold my hand and explain that the aircrew was bringing Liam in to see me but they couldn't stay and I couldn't hold him. When Liam was wheeled into my room. It was a very surreal moment. No one spoke, they just gave me a moment to tell Liam I loved him, and that I was so proud of his fight thus far. Because I had just gotten out of surgery maybe 15 minutes prior, I was still groggy, confused, scared and weak. I couldn't sit up and because of that, all I saw of my baby was a tiny pink leg, and wires in a huge plastic box. I'll never forget feeling so helpless. His leg kicked once and they wheeled him away. I was able to watch the aircrew load him up into the helicopter, and a few minutes later, the helicopter lifted and was en route to another hospital, far away. The touch of Liam's leg was still on my fingertips. I watched the helicopter until it was no longer in sight. I cried. I was angry. I hurt. I was scared.
Later that morning, Dean came in to show me photos of Liam. I was grateful f
or the snapshots of my son, but these photos weren't celebration photo's. The hospital staff had only taken the photos because they thought Liam wouldn't survive, and they wanted us to have the pictures of him to remember him by. Those pictures still haunt me.
I was discharged from the hospital two days later. I wanted no visitors while I was there. I hardly ate. I cried a lot. I slept a lot. I prayed. Getting discharged from the hospital was a hard day. I packed my bags and Dean and I walked out. I came home to my house rearranged with baby stuff, but no baby. Just an empty bassinet all ready to hold a sleeping baby, and a quiet house that should have been ringing with the sounds of a new baby's cry.
That night Dean took me to go meet Liam. The first time walking into the NICU was overwhelming. I was briefed on rules, had to call ahead, scrub for two minutes, couldn't talk aloud, and I felt that if I breathed wrong, something would happen to my precious baby. When I walked up to Liam I was flooded with emotions. What did he do to deserve this? Had I done anything? Was my blood pressure, my DISEASE the cause of this? What had I done to deserve this? Was he in pain, could he hear me? Could I touch him? I remember feeling angry just thinking of asking. Could I touch my own child? I was given the ok to place my hand on his bundled body, but I couldn't rub or talk to him any louder than a whisper in fear his body couldn't handle the stimulation. He was so small. He had so much going on in his little isolate. He looked so lonely. Was he as scared as I was?
The first visit was hard. I remember bawling the entire way back home. I shook, I blamed myself, I hated that a condition I've had for most of my life put my sweet little one in the worst jeopardy. I felt so alone in my thoughts. Hurt, scared and angry. Dean held me the entire night as I stayed awake sobbing, praying, and making bargains with God.
Liam's first few days were excruciating. He took several steps backwards, and made very little progress. All we were praying for was good results on MRI's and that he wouldn't break his luck and have a seizure or any further complications. I held my sweet miracle for the first time on day 5.
To describe briefly the experience of having a child in the NICU, it's like watching someone you love be imprisoned. You know that them being there is what's best for them and that you really can't complain because they are being well cared for; but somehow, there is an emptiness in the pit of your stomach and sometimes you feel like just grabbing the prisoner and running out the doors as fast as you can. There is this constant pain in your heart. That pain is caused by the lonely drives home every night. It's caused by the phone calls that you make at 2am when you wake up and start wondering what he's doing, if he's eaten, how his SATs are. You're angered by every family you see out in public enjoying their baby.I know Liam had to be in the NICU, and he needed to be there. But at the same time, I hated it. I wanted him home. I wanted to have a healthy baby, and a normal experience. I wanted to take him to visit family, and cuddle up with him at night. I wanted to hold my baby and not have to worry about cords, iv's and central lines being ripped out. I wanted to lay beside him and not hear the constant beeping of his monitors and the machines that supported his little body. I wanted to be with him every second of the day; but because he was in the NICU, I couldn't. I had to drive an hour, one way just to "visit" my son. I had to ask a nurse how his day had been. When he was hungry, I had to wait for his feeding time, I couldn't just feed him. When he cried, I couldn't pick him up and comfort him. I had to ask to hold him and ONLY if his SATs were acceptable. I felt like I wasn't really getting to be his mom and that I let my son down for the first 30 precious days of his life. I was stressed, broken, and exhausted.
The days turned into weeks. The drive back and forth to the hospital could have been done blind. Little by little, Liam was turning the corner. He was progressing, gaining weight, and losing wire by wire, and soon machine by machine.
March 2nd, 2011. Liam was discharged from the NICU. Dean and I were required to take a child CPR class, test our knowledge on an infant dummy, and then we could officially bring our bundle of joy home.
The months following his discharge were full of countless checkup's, drives back to the hospital to follow up with high risk providers, but Liam did it! He was healthy. He was going to be just fine! He was hitting milestones. He was doing what a baby of his age was suppose to be doing. He was full of life, and passed each evaluation with hesitation, but higher scores than average. Liam has been a healthy baby boy since coming home. He is more susceptible to colds and germs because his immune system is still trying to catch up, but all in all, he is perfectly healthy! There may be delays later on in life for Liam, but if anyone is going to challenge that, it most certainly will be him!
Reliving Liam's experience happens on a daily basis. Each time I hold him, I can't help but be thankful for the life he has given ME, and the countless blessings God has set aside just for our family. It's a painful, tearful trip down memory lane, but seeing the baby boy no one anticipated to do so well let alone survive, is the most powerful testimony of God! I know that He has plans way above my understanding for Liam.
Here is a link to the post I published a few days after he was born: http://shylahsworld.blogspot.com/2011/02/miracle-in-making.html
Today Liam is 18.5lbs and 27 1/2" long. He says Mama, Dadda, brother (ish), and a few other babbled things. He loves his own voice, and uses it quite often. He is trying to walk, and is a full speed ahead crawler! Liam can clear the top of a coffee table faster than a tornado, will pull up on anything he can, and cruises around all the furniture he sees. He absolutely loves his brother, and just seeing Jax puts a huge smile on his face. He tries his best to be just like his big brother, and do anything that he does, although Jax doesn't understand his peskiness in this way. He has 6 teeth, is well on his way to having a mullet, and his thighs and upper arms are full of dimples and rolls! He loves banana's, Cheerios and cheeseburgers. His favorite games right now are peek-a-boo, patt-a-cake, and racing up and down the hallway after an empty pepsi bottle. He sleeps about half way through the night, but always goes back to sleep with some cuddling. He is the most fearless baby I've seen, and thinks that whatever anyone else is doing, that he too can and SHOULD be doing the same thing.
Liam has blessed our family beyond measure. He is a beautiful baby, curious, and full of life. I look forward to the next 12 months with Liam, and while I wish I could bottle him up and keep him my tiny baby forever, I can't wait to see all the things he will experience in the next year!
Happy Birthday Monkey!!! I am so happy God gave you to me, and I thank you for all the laughs and love you have brought to our family. You amaze me daily, and I am so, so very proud of all you have accomplished.
I love you Liam,-Mommy
