A New Walk...

So over the past year especially, I admit that I have grown a massive amount in my faith with God. It's a personal decision, but one that I feel is highly influenced by the things I have experienced in my life.

Some of these things were way before I moved to the "bible belt", before marrying into a family with a very religious upbringing, and before I had two blessings literally placed in my arms. Things like having a single mother who despite our differences, I adore. Who raised me with morals and a very steady head on my shoulders. Who played the roles of both Mother and Father, friend, enemy, and there were times I didn't think either of us would survive. Like being diagnosed with what seems to be a completely uncontrollable disease and one that typically would have given me a plethora of troubles. An experience with other life changing health issues, including having donor blood transfused into my body for 6 months of my life and the possibility of a bone marrow transplant. Several more hardships that had I not had something guiding me, could have derailed my entire existence. Things that I look back on now, and see that despite my knowledge, my blindness and my selfishness to accept something higher than I'll ever understand, clearly was working on the person I am today.

Now certainly, I can express the experiences I've had in the more recent years, and I'd simply be a fool to not say I felt, saw and completely believe that God was with me through it all. I don't see how I can't. But as I grow in my faith, I am still plagued with doubt and questions that I hope I will soon understand.

I always knew that despite my family upbringing, I wanted to raise my children with Christian beliefs; but thought, how could I even attempt to do that, when I myself had no faith? I prayed. I prayed for something, anything that showed me that there is in fact a God. This is a trying experience, because how can I lead my children to the Lord, when I'm just beginning myself? I mean of course it's helpful that I married into a religious family, but they also prayed for a strong Christian woman to marry their son. I knew when I entered this relationship, I had to be my in laws worst nightmare. I hadn't stepped foot in a church in years. I mean like when I only went to chase boys around and that was a looong time ago! I cussed like a sailor, worked at a bar, and had an "I don't care attitude". But, I also know that from those many, many years ago, that I believed in SOMETHING. I also am thankful my in-laws didn't chase me away, because they have definitely guided me, encouraged me and supported me for this very moment.

I've had years of doubt, but I admitted to it all. I've also fought and still fight with what I heard was right and wrong, and what biblically speaking is right and wrong. But, I did believe in the three things that are most important. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I think.

I believe that the doubt I had always won this battle. How could I possibly believe in something, SOMEONE that I couldn't see, touch or hear? I've always "talked" to loved ones that I lost. They seemed to keep me safe traveling and out of numerous speeding tickets, at least I tell myself that. As I've learned, it's very normal to have doubt, and that's just another thing to pray about. But I question where my faith stands when I dwell on something I don't fully understand. I mean, I believe in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy... So why shouldn't I believe in something, someone, who is supposedly higher and more almighty than any childhood figure?

Here is where I will begin my "walk". I am going to read the bible. I don't plan on "reading" the bible like a James Patterson novel, I plan on studying, learning, and furthering the relationship I started with Christ. In my opinion it certainly can't hurt.

I also want to express that while I am so far from a role model Christian, I am working on changing. Not changing to where I am not the same Shylah everyone knows, but bettering myself. Bettering the lives of my children, and bettering my life and marriage with my husband. I've felt over the past year especially, like I have more ease with things, and that no matter what, there comes a sense of peace "giving my problems to God". I can't say that if I were thrown a curve ball, like something tragic happening to my children or family, that I could just "give it to the Lord", I'm not saying that at all, but when I'm stressed, and overwhelmed, I feel much calmer praying for my sanity and well being, patience and guidance to get me through. It certainly has relieved a lot of stress in these types of situations, and then at the end of the day when I reflect on that situation, I am surprised I can't remember why I was so stressed, and then thank God for being with me.

There will be things in my life, and my families lives that I may not always agree with, and/or understand, but I have always believed everything happens for a reason. And now I believe that I'm not the one in control, that it's a plan above my level of understanding, and that if it's meant to be, then there will be a way to do it. I can make decisions that can influence an outcome, but I can't change what is in His plan for me.

I am also learning to deal with the struggle of image. I know I have surprised many people with posts about Faith, praying, going to church, etc... And I'm embarrassed that I built a reputation that contradicts where I am trying to go. I don't think anything I've done in life has been "bad" or evil. I just simply didn't live a Christian life. I still have vices, and drop a cuss word out of thin air, but I am working on these things as I am, 1. A parent trying to raise respectful, well mannered boys, and 2. Learning how to be the person I want people to see me as. Does this mean I won't be my crazy, fun, outspoken self? Heck no! I'm not changing, I'm applying a filter, and trying to lead a Christian life. Does this mean I will "live" in a church, or not see R rated movies, or have an occasional drink? No. I don't think that's what it's about. I do want people to know I am a Christian when they meet me though, and I do want to set an example to my children and to my friends and family, that being a Christian and a believer is more than being Betty Bible, and turning down "life". That's how I used to perceive Christians. I literally thought kids in a Christian school, must have spent their math class counting diciples, and "If God gives you two apples, and takes one away, how many do you have?". Having faith, being a believer and a saved Christian doesn't limit your fun, and your living, it enhances the richness of your life, by living for someone who gave His life for you...

With this though, also comes the fear of being judged by some very close loved ones. I love and adore my family, but I also know where they stand on their religious views. I was there before, and I'm not ashamed to say that. Again, this is a personal decision I am choosing to make. I don't plan on shoving religion down my friends and family's throats, their beliefs are theirs and that's their right. I won't love them any less, and I can and will continue to love and pray for them, as I have been and quite honestly; even through my stages of belief, no belief, faith, no faith, have done for years and years.

I am fearful of failure as I am with anything in life, but I know that I am becoming a stronger person and a better Christian through it all. I am sure as I learn and explore my journey, I'll have times of uncertainty, but as I said earlier, even if the religious people of our nation are wrong, and Heaven is just another place w/out bounce houses... It can't hurt me, and it gives me something higher to have hope in!

With that, I will leave you with a bible verse I have heard a lot over the past few weeks... I've heard it through church, random conversations, and more importantly when playing a game of "close your eyes, flip the page and point" that this verse was under my finger... I have an incredible journey ahead of me, but one I am looking forward to, and one that along the way, if someone should ask me a question, I hope that I will be able to answer...

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. -Philippians 4:6

Shylah

A blast from the past...

Today was one of those days, where I was cursing myself because I totally sounded like my mother!

On more than one occasion, I said verbatim what I hated hearing so much when I was little... "I'm gonna give you a reason to cry", "not until you finish cleaning up your mess", "whatever I pick up for you, will go in the trash...", I even bit Liam back after he bit me today... *sigh*.

This morning as I was coming downstairs with laundry, I watched Jax pull the rest of the magazines and books off the coffee table, (Liam had pulled most of them off prior to this), but then Jax shredded a piece of paper, and when I called him out on it, he threw the piece of paper at Liam and said "Baby Liam did it Mommy!".

So that resulted in Jax vacuuming the couch cushions while I vacuumed the base of the couch. He didn't seem to mind though, and he actually did a good job!

Then later on in the morning, Liam was fussing in the playroom, so I came in to check on him, and I witness Jax dumping each of his toy bins in a pile, one after the other. I said to him "well I hope you plan on picking that all up, because I'm not going to do it!" He again said, "it was baby Liam!" Now typically when the playroom is a disaster, it's from good ole' playing, and I almost always "help" him pick up... but this time, Jax just did it to be a butt and lied about who did it!

So.... I told him he needed to start picking it up! He didn't move, and instead said, "no, maybe you can do it Mommy!" What!?!? I mean EVERY BIN WAS TURNED OVER AND DUMPED OUT! Heck no! After that, I calmly told him what goes where, and that he needed to pick it up because he was the one who made the mess, and lying about it being Liam wasn't nice, and therefore I wasn't even going to help. That lead to an all out screaming match. Screaming from a three year old isn't anything that bad, but I am trying to work on patience with him when he does talk to me like that. I asked him several more times to please pick up his mess, and he did nothing. So then I told him as I was dragging the garbage can into the playroom, that whatever I picked up was going in the trash. I totally expected a quick cleaning three year old to emerge, but again, he just sat there. So naturally I went for his favorite toys. His Mack Truck, his beloved Lightning McQueen, Chick, Mator, and Dinoco King car... His robot, Alphie, letter cards, bouncy balls, etc... ALL IN THE TRASH!

Through tears, and pleading he slowly started picking up his mess. Then started playing, then got sent to his bedroom, then back, and we repeated this several times. He didn't get lunch until his room was picked up. Which of course Liam and I had all his favorites while he was cleaning... Five minutes before nap, he said his tummy hurt and he was hungry, which it was almost two hours past lunch, so I finally gave in.

FINALLY after nap, after he figured out the tv was unplugged, he put the last of his mess away... It literally KILLED me to not just go in and pick up his mess. It takes 10 minutes even if every toy is out, for me to put everything back to order... Ugh... But I put my foot down, and I'm glad I did, because he said he was sorry for making such a mess and that he learned his lesson. :)

On a brighter note, I haven't given him his toys back that I "threw" away. He has asked several times if he could have them back, but I am very much enjoying him playing with some of his neglected toys!

There are moments as a parent where I roll my eyes and say, I can't believe I just said that... I sounded just like my mother... today was definitely one of those days. And most times, it's more or less, like really!?! I swore I'd never say that... but sometimes it's comical, and I hate to admit how good of a line it is that I am reusing... but Ghaaaaaa...

Nothing like your parents secretly getting revenge through your own children paying you back...

Boys vs Boo-boos...

Liam 0, bathroom vanity bottom drawer handle 1.

Jax 0, new rain boots and concrete stairs 1. Thanks Gramma for your " Owie Packs". They were definitely put to use last night and today... :(

The Great Debate...

I started this post last night, but as of this morning Susan G. Komen Foundation has decided to reverse their decision on pulling grants and funds given to Planned Parenthood and Affilites.

Is this a victory? Not for those who do not support Planned Parenthood. But it is a victory in the sense that regardless of the organization that is receiving funds, it is a win for those who care about putting the health care of women first and foremost.

Written previously: The Great Debate of Susan G. Komen withdrawing funds and grants associated with Planned Parenthood is a hot subject this week. I've definitely had a lot of good discussions about this, but I am curious as to what you have to say.

First, I will stick with my argument before I go into some of the supporting arguments I've gotten from this. This is a very hard subject to stick to the point of. There are so many other topics that get pulled into this debate just because of the two names that are associated.

With Susan G. Komen Foundation pulling their funding from Planned Parenthood, I can only be devastated at the thought of how many women, primarily the lower income women who will no longer be getting low cost breast screening let alone the information to ensure healthy breast care. Whether this facility, dubbed "Planned Murderhood" is known for their "support" of abortion or not, it's still taking care away from hundreds of thousands of women each year. Is it due to politics? Or is it just a coincidence that the new VP of SGK Foundation, Karen Handel who in her run for governor over the state of Georgia, made it very clear on where she stands with Pro-Life? This is where all the other topics come into play in this scenario.

According to the Handel, this decision has nothing to do with politics, that it all has to do with contributors withdrawing funding from organizations like Planned Parenthood, being investigated by the GOVERNMENT for using government funding for acts such as abortion. So, if I am not mistaken, wouldn't that classify this is a government stint? Also, if that is their "excuse" to pull their funding to an organization under State or Federal investigation, then where is their withdraw to Penn State, which is funded nearly 7.5 million by SGK Foundation?

Regardless of the point above, there is obviously quite a lot of pressure for charitable dollars being granted to organizations notorious for, abortions. Maybe it has everything to do with pressure to pull funding from this organization lead by supporters of anti-abortion groups, and that the excuse is due to the government investigation.

But still, what about these women who will not be getting this care?

Here is where I will bring in the subtopics of this debate. 1). PPH doesn't even perform mammograms. This is what several supporters of the withdraw are stating. Fact: Of the four million women who got breast exams through Planned Parenthood clinics in the last five years, 70,000 were provided through the Foundation. So maybe SGK wasn't responsible for each and every exam, and PPH will surely rise above this and continue to screen women, but they certainly screen women for breast cancer by performing mammograms. Now in the offset of this "scheme" as I'll call it, over $650,000 has been raised by other charities to be certain PPH can continue their yearly check-ups. Note: Many of these new supporting charities are ALSO anti-abortion, however they see the importance of providing women with proper screenings and breast health.

When you even mention Planned Parenthood, a bitter taste is formed in your mouth based on the fact that this organization performs abortions. Even as abortion rates continue to decline, PPH and affiliates are still responsible for roughly 23% of all abortions performed in the US each year. This is only one aspect to their clinics. What about contraceptives? If you ask certain religious groups, contraceptives are just as "evil" as an abortion. It's to contracept life. Which provokes the argument of "what about the women and girls who use contraceptives, birth control, etc, for other health reasons such as heavy periods, or hormonal imbalances?" Oh.... yeah. Yes, this is generally ok, but not if it is administered through the hands of a PPH provider.

What about going to PPH for other health care? Routine visits, yearly exams, fertility, etc? Well from personal experience, I used to have all my exams done through a PPH facility. Was I going for an abortion? No? Did I ever talk to anyone about an abortion? Nope. I strictly went for a quarterly contraceptive and yearly exams. What's so bad about that? Well simply going to these facilities generates business. Business keeps the lights on. Keeping the lights on keeps the abortion procedures a reality. But what if you are a low income women, who just so happens to be of a different race and considered a minority? Planned Parenthood is generally in lower income neighborhoods, and typically have less strict health coverage requirements, thus advertising themselves to these women. So what if Planned Parenthood is your only option?

Do I believe in abortion? NO. I do strongly believe in the health care and well being for women though, and those specifically of lower class and minority who are being cared for, when others turn them away. In a perfect scenario, these facilities would be shut down, and the government would make more stringent laws mandating that other health care facilities, NOT performing abortions, would provide the same care for women at the same cost that PPH does. Of course that is another subject all together, and yes, there are other facilities out there who accommodate no health insurance, and low income families to their clinics, but they aren't as convenient as a Planned Parenthood placed in their neighborhood.

All in all, the controversy that this decision has sparked is going to be a never ending battle, but what people need to keep in mind, is that regardless of where the funding is given, it is going to help protect and keep millions of women informed and healthy, which hopefully one day will put an end to the devastating disease called Breast Cancer. Will this spark future withdraws? I personally believe it will. But also based on the outpour of support of those in favor of Planned Parenthood over SGK, I think it definitely goes to show where people's concerns lie. It's not about the "abortion mill", it's about preventing care. It's about an organization so adamant that their goal is to find a "cure" and save lives, withdrawing donations from an organization notorious for ending lives. There are so many other factors in the middle, that clearly have made their own marks of those who are both pro-life and pro-choice.

It will be interesting to see where this all goes. But for the time being, the importance needs to stay on providing care for women.

Thoughts??