Heres my latest God experience... Over the past few months, the thought/guilt of not being the most vocal example of a Christian to my children has been weighing on my heart and mind, a lot. I want to raise my boys to accept Christ and to be Christian men, but I don't do nearly enough out loud with the boys in this subject. I am a Christian, and I feel I am an example in areas of their lives showing this, but not enough teaching of Christ. After conversations with many around me, I know that it starts with me, and that I must lead by example, but especially for my boys at a young age, that it comes through reading and talking about God as well.
Well, it's been a physical reminder that God is present with Liam. I think nearly every day, "can a person just be born a Godly person?" I think this because Liam is at the stage where he LOVES books. The first thing in the morning "book?" The last thing at night "book?" The importance here though is that the books he choses are all children's bible stories. Now, it could be a coincidence that he choses these books, they're bigger, have big letters, and are colorful but it's constant and if I hide them, he goes through every one until he finds them. He enjoys other books and will look at them all day long, but his NEED for these bible stories turns wheels in my head about Liam's character. He knows who Jesus is in pictures before I point Him out, and to be honest, I can't recall ever saying "that right there is Jesus". He says Jesus clearly... It fascinates me. After talking with Dean about this, he prompted a new idea. That maybe while Liam was technically dead on the table while Dr. Rick worked on him, that Liam saw Jesus. Maybe Jesus was holding Liam in his arms telling him that he would do great things. Maybe. I mean, Liam has been doing this bible book thing for months and months, it's just now starting to intrigue me, or guilt me or... or...
So these thoughts have prompted conversations, and because I try not to deny my children's interests, I read Liam stories from the children's bible, from the bible story books... But I don't read my bible...
I fail at consistency on the blessing, on praying with my children and taking them to church. These things weigh on my mind, my conscience and my heart. I find excuses, or I simply just forget.
Last night guilt got the best of me, and I decided to read my Daily Devotional for Mothers. I thought ok, let this say something to me.
Yesterday's entry was from a women, who's best friends son called telling her, her best friend passed away. The women knew this, as the friend was sick, and the day before shared her worry about her 17 year old son not being a Christian. The dying mother repeated the name Monica over and over in her last dying words to her son. The son then called her best friend asking who is this Monica? The dying mother had spoke of a story of Monica (from the Bible) praying out in the garden of St. Augustine for her sons conversion to Christ. For her son to accept God and be saved... The story goes on to where when the dead women's best friend told the son this story, how years later he had been saved and done great things in the community, but showed the importance of teaching your children about God...
This of course stopped me, and I thought, well that's weird. I took the story and applied it to "I need to make sure my children accept Christ so that I know I will see them again and they don't go to Hell!"
I then decided to play "Russian Roulette" with my bible. I do this by closing my eyes, flipping to a page and saying "speak to me God". Right under my finger,
"Discipline your children while there is hope, otherwise you will ruin their lives" -Proverbs 20:18
I'm sure God was smirking upstairs just saying, see I'm here, I'm ALWAYS here... I just don't look or listen...
I laughed to myself about this and fell fast asleep.
This morning I reflected on the conversations I had with my Pastor, my friends, Dean and my mother in law. I feel it's on my mind constantly, but in the same thought feel I don't know what type of Christian I am. How good I am at being a Christian. I have this persona of a Christian, being so far out there. I don't know WHY I think this. I know Christians who have bible study shooting pool, drinking a beer... I know"super Christians" that don't do anything but eat, sleep, breathe the bible or church... I guess I'm somewhere in between, and because I don't have a flashing neon sign saying I'm doing it right, I now not only have doubts with religion in a whole, but NOW I'm doubting myself. Add another tally mark Mr. Devil...
I find myself worrying about what others think of me, how they'll perceive me, if they'll support me. It always gets the best of me. Do people know I'm a
Christian without me saying so? They need to... But does that mean I can't do this or that... No. I guess no...? Does a Christian look a certain way, speak differently, live in a church and only watch God shows and read the bible? No, some do, but that's not what makes a Christian.
In theory, anyone can be a Christian but speaking for myself, I want people to know I'm a Christian by my actions, by my character, by my children, my attitude and my heart. It doesn't mean I need to dress different, or speak different, no. But I do need to speak more, to act more and to show more. Not just for my children, but for myself and for those I may never actually speak to.
I know I'm a great mother in most areas of my life, but just as important as I think it is to show my children by example love, manners, politeness, support... I need to show them by example of being a Christian and lead them to know God.
I feel this is an important story to share, because I feel God showed me last night in my doubts and my struggle that He is there. That He knew I needed a reminder and that I just have to trust Him and let Him guide me. (You too). :)
Xoxo
Shylah
